So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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