i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Randomize
