So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
