take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
