He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
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Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
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Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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