you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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