There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
