God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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