I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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