On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
