I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
