My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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