Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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