From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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