Are we in a gay sports bar?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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