I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
