please come you make the beer taste better
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
