Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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