I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
