If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
