Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
