DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
