I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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