We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
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I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
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According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves