So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
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She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
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Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.