even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
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I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
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Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.