So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
