I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
