he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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