i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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