on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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