you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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