no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
