I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
