I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
