Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
