She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
