Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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