the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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