Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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