GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
