I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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