I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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