I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
