Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
