why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
