My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
