what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
