Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just invented taco cereal.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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