My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
