I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
