I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
