Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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