I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
