dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
