Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
