Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
