I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
