Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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