6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
