I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
