it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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