I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
